This may sound controversial to some, but most people believe that life is not obliged to work out the way you plan it. If your thinking on this aligns with the majority, then you might as well have realised that many so-called serious relationships that look like they were made in heaven do not often crystallise into marriage. For one reason or the other, some hit the rocks and shatter into pieces after long years of commitment, leaving one party or both parties emotionally fractured.
Unfortunately, not every of these emotional casualties summon the courage to walk out of a broken relationship and move on with life. Interestingly, many do, getting better in the end, while few resign to fate, wishing for an outcome they cannot determine. Some are even known to lose their sanity or even their life.
The story of Nosa and Ese is a good example of how to move on with life after the break-up of a very serious relationship. Lovebirds can best be used to describe them. The exciting aspect is that they are of the same age, though Nosa is older by a few months. They had hit it off as pre-teenagers from their first year at secondary school in Benin City, Edo State.
As close pals who found and shared similar taste and choice in friends, character and hobbies, their love and friendship lasted for the whole six years before they proceeded to the same university, Ambrose Alli University (AAU), Ekpoma, Edo State the same year to read the same course, mechanical engineering. They were always together, even sat together during classes and exams. They were the envy of every lover on campus because of their natural chemistry to understand and relate to each other very well.
Nosa was academically better, aiming for a perfect second class upper, while Ese was struggling to remain there. They had the prospect of ending up in the oil industry. Marriage was only a whisper away. Then something happened in the beginning of their final year.
It was the era when fraternity was very fashionable on Nigerian campuses. And Nosa’s cult was implicated in an attempt to kidnap a senior lecturer of another school, and he was arrested along with some of his fellow cult members. So, while Ese was writing her final exam, Nosa had been expelled from the school, charged to court and his case being heard.
Ese wrote her final exam, graduated and was waiting for her service when Nosa and his gang were being sentenced to prison terms with options of fine and an order for the convicts not to
be admitted into any Nigerian tertiary institution. Nosa’s parents, who were struggling to get by, rallied to raise the huge fine to avoid his going to prison.
The relationship continued with expected strains. It did not take a prophet for anybody to realise it was all over for them as future spouses. It could have still worked out if Nosa’s parents were to be rich. They could have provided him with huge capital to start a business to meet up with the kind of husband Ese required, because her future was too bright to gamble with a penniless university dropout. Worse, Nosa could not even go to another university. And schooling abroad was out of the question for his parents could not afford it.
Ese had taken the situation calmly and had cried and grieved for some time, but maintained the relationship before going for her NYSC service in Oyo State. It was not easy letting go a 13-year-old relationship that began when they were only 12-year-old boy and girl. She promised to consider Nosa’s decision to become a trade apprentice and to be given start-up capital a year later. But it turned out that Nosa did not have the right state of mind to learn a trade. He suffered emotional breakdown. He became a scatterbrain – he would greet ‘Good morning’ when it was evening and sometimes wore his clothes inside out.
Learning of his condition far away in Ibadan where she was serving, Ese felt sad. After her service, she deliberately relocated to Lagos to settle, where she got a very good job, met another guy and secretly got married a year after and started her life. But Nosa learnt of her marriage and grieved some more.
A few months later, a kind uncle recommended Nosa to a friend in Ghana who owned a hotel and who Nosa lived and worked with. Nosa later saved to start a part-time degree programme afresh. According to the story, Nosa gradually recovered from his emotional breakdown and faced his new work and studies with vigour. Over there, Nosa met a female Nigerian student whom he got engaged to and eventually got married to after graduation. Nosa would later return to Nigeria, where he got a good-paying job. While Ese is presently married with four kids, Nosa has two.
Of course, not every victim of love-relationship breakdown has the opportunity and willpower like Nosa had, especially if a female were to be in Nosa shoes. Some victims, both male and female, are broken forever, others in mental institutions and a few in their graves. But if the cause of a victim’s sadness and forlorn state is the long years of established love and affection, can the victim not start afresh with somebody else? It is not easy but trying to start another relationship helps a lot.
Like the old saying goes, ‘The most beautiful, wonderful and loveable person you know is only among those you have met, for the more people you get to know, the more chances of your meeting a more beautiful, wonderful and loveable person.’
Did you experience a major break-up recently, or do you know somebody who did? Do you feel like your world has suddenly come to an end? No, it has not. Make a new friend today. Start a new relationship now. It is not easy but it is doable. The Internet is full of people who want to make friends. Be careful though, for there are dubious characters out there. There are genuine link-up clubs all over the place. Join any as soon as possible. Let a colleague or a relative invite you to a party where you will get to meet new faces. Engage in blind dates. Meet people, please. And make a friend today.
Be you male or female, start a conversation with a stranger now. Be it in the supermarket, be it in a queue in the banking hall or the cinema. Do not appear desperate or anxious. Just be natural. Some may turn you down, but a few will accept your overtures. And a new friendship will be born.
Do not let a break-up break you down. Move on with your life.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Sex! Ho, Sex! By Onyechi Anyadike
Must we have sex to reproduce? There sure could have been other forms Jehovah could have devised for human reproduction, after all, not every living thing has sex in order to reproduce; some plants, for example. Apart from humans and many others, not even every animal reproduce sexually. Consider those species of sharks and species of female turkeys, which are noted for not having sex but still reproduce – asexually. So, why did Jehovah allow sex to be? Or to be specific, why did He make sex to be such an exciting experience?
Come to think of it, humans could possibly just have a drab sex without any form of sweetness, especially that pleasure that comes with ejaculation on the part of the male and the titillating climax on the part of the woman, which give us the urge to go for sex. We could just have sex where the man ejaculates normally without any form of pleasure, as if he is just reading for an exam or something, and then the whole activity comes to an end. Next thing, pregnancy follows.
But, no, Jehovah made sex to be so enjoyable! He wants humans to derive pleasure before reproduction. The child labour? Ho, it goes with the territory, at least, on the part of the woman who the Bible tells us has to labour during childbirth on behalf of Eve. Or does the man not labour for the family income on behalf of Adam?
never been the case since the advent of humans. We have totally corrupted sex. We have destroyed its values. And sex is now a plaything, a tool for manipulation and means of income.
Teenagers are not patient to wait till marriage before indulging in sex; a man and a woman engaged to be married dare not question the sexual past of each other because they have done it countless times and with countless partners in the past before their meeting. Even parents do not have the guts to question the authenticity of their children’s virginity, because majority of these parents never took their hymen to marriage. A few of these parents are even involved in adultery.
The pastor weds a man and a woman with the deep knowledge that these are people who have despoiled sex, both with previous partners before their meeting, and as fiancé and fiancée before their wedding. But does the pastor have a say? He or some of his colleagues are also engaged in the devaluation of sex, by dating their female members, whether single or married. Some women offer sex for money while others for favours. The men – yes, the men – who demand sex in exchange for favours or demand it as a condition for favours are certainly more than those who do not.
We all are involved in the devaluation of sex and it happens everywhere: on campus, in the corporate world, in the corridors of power, and even in holy places. Or do you not know of the Holy Fathers who take our confessions but sometimes confess they have fallen short of their religious calling by indulging in sex?
And we are no longer satisfied with straight sex. Everybody, from the inquisitive teenagers to the adventurous couples and parents, wants to discover new methods of deriving maximum sexual satisfaction. Now, there is oral sex, anal sex and artificial sex machines and even phone sex, by the use of explicitly erotic monologue. Some are no longer satisfied with trading on sex. They now act on sex and they call it pornography. What about homosexuality? Do not let us go into that, please. Sex! Ho, Sex! What are we doing to you, you that is Jehovah’s precious gift to humans?
Some day, Jehovah will take away sex from us as a punishment for destroying sex. Mark it. Similar things have happened before. Remember the story of the Tower of Babel? The people of the earth recognised they had knowledge but failed to realise it was from Jehovah. And they wanted to rival Him by engaging in building a tower high up to the Holy Place. Jehovah had to take away co-operation from them by giving them different languages, which set confusion among them and caused them to abandon the sacrilegious project.
What about the story of Noah? Because humanity was filled with too many sins, Jehovah had Noah build the ark and ensured Noah’s family and pairs of every species of animals were saved from the destroying rains. Humanity had to start afresh with Noah’s family and the surviving pairs of animals ensuring the continuation of the animal world.
We will all wake up one morning and discover sex is no longer how we used to know it: no thrill, no fun, no excitement and no need for it. We will reluctantly engage in sex only as a means of reproduction. Teenagers will dream of marriage without any anticipation of sex because they hear it is a dull thing that is only meant for reproduction. Female students who use their bottom power will work hard because there are no longer teachers to be offered sex for favours. Sex traders will look for other commodities to trade on because no man will want to pay for sex. Randy male bosses will insist on merit and hard work from their female subordinates because sex is no more worth requesting as an exchange for favour. Ho, how our life will be excitingly different without sex the way we know it!
This is not just sermonising. Of course, Jehovah can do it. Similar things have happened before. For defiling sex, Jehovah can take it away from us. It will happen some day, considering the rate and manner with which we are going on with sex. Mark those words!
Come to think of it, humans could possibly just have a drab sex without any form of sweetness, especially that pleasure that comes with ejaculation on the part of the male and the titillating climax on the part of the woman, which give us the urge to go for sex. We could just have sex where the man ejaculates normally without any form of pleasure, as if he is just reading for an exam or something, and then the whole activity comes to an end. Next thing, pregnancy follows.
But, no, Jehovah made sex to be so enjoyable! He wants humans to derive pleasure before reproduction. The child labour? Ho, it goes with the territory, at least, on the part of the woman who the Bible tells us has to labour during childbirth on behalf of Eve. Or does the man not labour for the family income on behalf of Adam?
never been the case since the advent of humans. We have totally corrupted sex. We have destroyed its values. And sex is now a plaything, a tool for manipulation and means of income.
Teenagers are not patient to wait till marriage before indulging in sex; a man and a woman engaged to be married dare not question the sexual past of each other because they have done it countless times and with countless partners in the past before their meeting. Even parents do not have the guts to question the authenticity of their children’s virginity, because majority of these parents never took their hymen to marriage. A few of these parents are even involved in adultery.
The pastor weds a man and a woman with the deep knowledge that these are people who have despoiled sex, both with previous partners before their meeting, and as fiancé and fiancée before their wedding. But does the pastor have a say? He or some of his colleagues are also engaged in the devaluation of sex, by dating their female members, whether single or married. Some women offer sex for money while others for favours. The men – yes, the men – who demand sex in exchange for favours or demand it as a condition for favours are certainly more than those who do not.
We all are involved in the devaluation of sex and it happens everywhere: on campus, in the corporate world, in the corridors of power, and even in holy places. Or do you not know of the Holy Fathers who take our confessions but sometimes confess they have fallen short of their religious calling by indulging in sex?
And we are no longer satisfied with straight sex. Everybody, from the inquisitive teenagers to the adventurous couples and parents, wants to discover new methods of deriving maximum sexual satisfaction. Now, there is oral sex, anal sex and artificial sex machines and even phone sex, by the use of explicitly erotic monologue. Some are no longer satisfied with trading on sex. They now act on sex and they call it pornography. What about homosexuality? Do not let us go into that, please. Sex! Ho, Sex! What are we doing to you, you that is Jehovah’s precious gift to humans?
Some day, Jehovah will take away sex from us as a punishment for destroying sex. Mark it. Similar things have happened before. Remember the story of the Tower of Babel? The people of the earth recognised they had knowledge but failed to realise it was from Jehovah. And they wanted to rival Him by engaging in building a tower high up to the Holy Place. Jehovah had to take away co-operation from them by giving them different languages, which set confusion among them and caused them to abandon the sacrilegious project.
What about the story of Noah? Because humanity was filled with too many sins, Jehovah had Noah build the ark and ensured Noah’s family and pairs of every species of animals were saved from the destroying rains. Humanity had to start afresh with Noah’s family and the surviving pairs of animals ensuring the continuation of the animal world.
We will all wake up one morning and discover sex is no longer how we used to know it: no thrill, no fun, no excitement and no need for it. We will reluctantly engage in sex only as a means of reproduction. Teenagers will dream of marriage without any anticipation of sex because they hear it is a dull thing that is only meant for reproduction. Female students who use their bottom power will work hard because there are no longer teachers to be offered sex for favours. Sex traders will look for other commodities to trade on because no man will want to pay for sex. Randy male bosses will insist on merit and hard work from their female subordinates because sex is no more worth requesting as an exchange for favour. Ho, how our life will be excitingly different without sex the way we know it!
This is not just sermonising. Of course, Jehovah can do it. Similar things have happened before. For defiling sex, Jehovah can take it away from us. It will happen some day, considering the rate and manner with which we are going on with sex. Mark those words!
A WOMAN’S WORLD
Keeping in Touch with an Ex
If true friendship is meant to stand the test of time, then genuine romantic affairs should also endure the best of time. That has always been my subconscious principle. I say subconscious because as I grow in age and get to understand the complexities of our world more, I’ve come to discover most times that this belief which has been natural with me, hardly fits in. Are you yet to catch my drift? Now, this is it: Why can’t I keep in touch with my ex-boyfriend simply because we’re now both married separately or engaged with different partners?
Some of my friends – surely not all, because a few still do what I do – believe I still hold onto my style or principle because I’m yet to quit spinsterhood. But ho, come on, I’m quitting spinsterhood soonest and my heartthrob tolerates me. Besides what about the married women who do it? Others of my friends say it depends on the man. Of course, this could be true, but when the couple really understands each other, I sincerely don’t see the need for rules and regulations!
I hope you’re not getting me wrong. I don’t mean re-igniting an old flame; neither do I mean seeing all my ex-s, or even keeping in regular touch with a few. I mean just having the phone number or e-mail address of one or two very genuine and concerned ones for a chat once in many moons. With the husband or guy there for her, what does a woman need an ex- for? you may ask, insisting that as they are now separated, it ought to be each to his/her separate spouse. But to be honest, life is clearly not that regimented. Besides, if a woman keeps in touch with an old female friend, what does the woman need such an old female friend for? There are times a woman needs a whiff of note-comparison with an ex- and perhaps draw wisdom or corrections from such. Some of you may sneer: Wisdom? Corrections? But if it’s acceptable that a woman can draw such wisdom and corrections from an old female friend, why not an old male friend?
And of course, the man keeping in touch with his ex- is acceptable, especially in the African context where he can bring in a second wife, even a third or fourth! But those who are of the view that it solely depends on the man to determine his wife or girlfriend keeping in touch with her ex- are half on target. The man may notice this habit in his woman and discourage it, with the old sermon of it being seen as infidelity, or that line about an old firewood being easy to ignite. But what if the woman considers it her natural inclination, or even considers it beneficial without any infidelity sling attached? The man can’t be with the woman 24/7. She can still maintain a secret contact, which the man may never know of. Ho, come on, the man can’t be the sole determinant. The woman is!
Honestly, I’m of the peculiar type, or perhaps many of my friends see me as such. A couple of my ex-s are very much abreast with my life. They are in touch with my family: parents and siblings. And when the need arises, we still exchange the attendance of family ceremonies like marriages. I don’t see how things like that can change. To me, it goes to show genuine love and best wishes. That’s how relationships should go!
For sisters who consider us that keep in touch with our ex- as breaking our marital vows, disrespectful of the marriage institution, unfaithful, unAfrican or whatever, it’s your view. But if you’re like me who find it exciting and fulfilling, don’t feel lonely. You have a good company in me, provided we’re strong enough to know our keeping in touch is for what it really is: the benefits of note-comparing, sharing of experiences and best wishes. But with no ulterior motive!
If true friendship is meant to stand the test of time, then genuine romantic affairs should also endure the best of time. That has always been my subconscious principle. I say subconscious because as I grow in age and get to understand the complexities of our world more, I’ve come to discover most times that this belief which has been natural with me, hardly fits in. Are you yet to catch my drift? Now, this is it: Why can’t I keep in touch with my ex-boyfriend simply because we’re now both married separately or engaged with different partners?
Some of my friends – surely not all, because a few still do what I do – believe I still hold onto my style or principle because I’m yet to quit spinsterhood. But ho, come on, I’m quitting spinsterhood soonest and my heartthrob tolerates me. Besides what about the married women who do it? Others of my friends say it depends on the man. Of course, this could be true, but when the couple really understands each other, I sincerely don’t see the need for rules and regulations!
I hope you’re not getting me wrong. I don’t mean re-igniting an old flame; neither do I mean seeing all my ex-s, or even keeping in regular touch with a few. I mean just having the phone number or e-mail address of one or two very genuine and concerned ones for a chat once in many moons. With the husband or guy there for her, what does a woman need an ex- for? you may ask, insisting that as they are now separated, it ought to be each to his/her separate spouse. But to be honest, life is clearly not that regimented. Besides, if a woman keeps in touch with an old female friend, what does the woman need such an old female friend for? There are times a woman needs a whiff of note-comparison with an ex- and perhaps draw wisdom or corrections from such. Some of you may sneer: Wisdom? Corrections? But if it’s acceptable that a woman can draw such wisdom and corrections from an old female friend, why not an old male friend?
And of course, the man keeping in touch with his ex- is acceptable, especially in the African context where he can bring in a second wife, even a third or fourth! But those who are of the view that it solely depends on the man to determine his wife or girlfriend keeping in touch with her ex- are half on target. The man may notice this habit in his woman and discourage it, with the old sermon of it being seen as infidelity, or that line about an old firewood being easy to ignite. But what if the woman considers it her natural inclination, or even considers it beneficial without any infidelity sling attached? The man can’t be with the woman 24/7. She can still maintain a secret contact, which the man may never know of. Ho, come on, the man can’t be the sole determinant. The woman is!
Honestly, I’m of the peculiar type, or perhaps many of my friends see me as such. A couple of my ex-s are very much abreast with my life. They are in touch with my family: parents and siblings. And when the need arises, we still exchange the attendance of family ceremonies like marriages. I don’t see how things like that can change. To me, it goes to show genuine love and best wishes. That’s how relationships should go!
For sisters who consider us that keep in touch with our ex- as breaking our marital vows, disrespectful of the marriage institution, unfaithful, unAfrican or whatever, it’s your view. But if you’re like me who find it exciting and fulfilling, don’t feel lonely. You have a good company in me, provided we’re strong enough to know our keeping in touch is for what it really is: the benefits of note-comparing, sharing of experiences and best wishes. But with no ulterior motive!
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